I know that I haven’t updated in awhile… Things have been just a little more busy than normal with school starting again and having a baby. I have to find a balance and as always, family comes first. I also haven’t updated recently because I haven’t felt inspired to write about any one topic and I want you to have the best of me, not the drabble in my head. But this morning as I was getting ready, I suddenly had inspiration– God has a funny way of turning on the light bulb sometimes!
I want to share what God has DONE for me through my Post Partum Depression and Anxiety. When I was in the midst of the depression and the worst of the anxiety, there is no way I could imagine myself being here– healthy, happy, and functioning. I just couldn’t. Life was so chaotic at the time. But now that I am here, I can look back on my experience and share what God did for me through it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that God brought Depression and Anxiety into my life… But I do think that He allowed me to walk through it for many reasons.
I was never a party girl or a “bad” girl. In fact, if you ask my family I think they would say that I tend to make wise decisions and seek the Lord. I’m not saying this to brag, I am saying this to give you some perspective into my personality. I like to make good decisions that please God– it makes me feel good! I’ve been this way since I was very little, I think. But part of being that type of person comes with it’s own challenges and consequences, much the way that being the party girl or “bad” girl has it’s challenges and consequences. One of the challenges for me was to remain humble and walk in Gods graciousness. No, I wasn’t high and mighty and shoving my Jesus in people’s face or rude… But I can tell you that I did think that I had done something to deserve the life that I have– that my decisions had put me into the position my life was in and therefore, my decisions were better than others that were making. Now, some of that is true: our decisions do affect our lives and we’re better off making wise, Godly ones. However… I didn’t get to choose what family I was born into. I didn’t get to choose who my Mom was. I didn’t get to choose to be born in America. I didn’t get to choose what education I had as a child. I didn’t get to choose what path my life took as a child. God did. It is by His grace that I was born to a Mom who loved me so much she changed her life around after I was born, it was by His grace that my family are God-fearing, wonderful, kind people. It was by His grace that I lived in an area that afforded me a decent education. It was by His grace that He brought my step-dad (aka Dad) into our lives and changed us. I used to think that the crazy homeless people could be helped if they would make better choices. But now I look at them and I think: that could be ME. I could be mentally ill and not able to take care of myself and therefore I am put out on the street to fend for myself– talking to myself, hungry, perhaps drug addicted because that’s what the streets are all about. I am NO DIFFERENT than them. I have a gracious Maker who afforded me the opportunity to live the life I have. What God did for me through my Post Partum Depression and Anxiety is give me perspective. He gave me eyes to see my life– the life He gave to me. He told me “just as much as it breaks my heart to see you, My faithful servant, suffering, it breaks my heart to see anyone suffering.” He brought me to a place of compassion that I didn’t know I had in me– that life and situations and “world” experience had hardened in my heart. He softened me through my experience. What a blessing that is! I would much rather feel the way I do now about people who are suffering from mental illness than to go back to being hard: not unkind but uncaring.
For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And the ransom He paid was not mere gold or silver. It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God.
1 Peter 1:18,19